There are many days lately when I ask myself this very question. Why? Why do I still cry a lot for my little girl? Why some days my arms ache to hold her? Why on some days I feel total utter joy and happiness when I think of her and her sweet spirit and other days I just cry? Why one day I can replay the events of her birth and feel joy and the next it makes me cry? Why does this year seem harder than the first? Why do I feel I have to hide my sadness from everyone, even my family? Why can I look at her photos one day and not the next? Why can't I just be more happy and cheerful?

These are the questions that have been haunting my mind lately. As of late life just seems hard with a lot of hard questions. I am not miserable by any means just a little more sad lately. Maybe too much time on my hands and not staying focused. I know Heavenly Father had his hand in me going back to school just four months after our daughter died, as it kept my mind busy, kept me focused and grounded. Now that school is over and it is back to "normal" life, what ever that is, my mind has too much time to just think and the only place it seems to go to lately is to her. It may be because there are a lot of things around me that remind me of her. Events that are happening in other's lives around me that trigger memories. As the days get closer to the day she was born it seems the days get harder. Memories are triggered, I often think about what I was doing 2 years ago, of feeling her grow inside me or the joy of adding a little girl to our house of boys. At times just writing in my journal or sharing my thoughts is very healing and I need to remember that more often. I think sometimes when we go through events like this we feel when we share our feelings we are making others uncomfortable. I think I just need to get over the fact that some people will be uncomfortable when you talk about death, especially a child. It is something most people fear and hope never happens to them. I guess I have never actually feared it, I just have known that it would probably be something I would experience in my life. Those feelings I know were put there for a reason to help me to know she is mine forever. She was so special that all she had to do was to come here and gain a body and return to our Heavenly home and wait till we can be reunited again. This knowledge makes things easier at times but still the sadness comes when I least expect it. My mind is telling me that it has almost been 2 years, you should be coping better and be more on the mend. But as I read others stories and talk to others who have experienced this type of loss, the one thing they all say is you will always remember and long for them. I do know that being sad and miserable are two different things. It think it is okay to be sad as long as you don't let it consume you, which can be hard at times as sadness has a way of doing that to someone. So today I will not ask why?, but say Thank You.

Thank You for not minding if I cry or want to talk about my little girl. Thank You for understanding how my arms ache for her. Thank You for the joy I feel for her and her sweet spirit. Thank you for the ability to remember the events of her birth with such sweet clarity and that I took the time to write it down so carefully. Thank You for the hard times so I can remember the good. Thank You for family and friends who lend their ears to listen, arms to hug and prayers to heal. Thank You for the photos I have to look at and treasure. Thank You that I KNOW I can be happy and will be. Thank You Heavenly Father for everything, I am so glad You know what is best for me even if it is hard to see me through it.

Love,
Amy